I once asked my Twitter followers what one should do when
one half of a married couple is pagan and the other is not. I never received any answers (probably
due to a limited audience, but still).
I’ve been ruminating on the question myself, and so far I haven’t come
up with any answers. My husband is
an atheist and passionate about his non-belief—so much so that he’ll remind
that waitress at the local diner when she inevitably asks about our Christmas
plans. I, on the other hand,
belong to one of the most fanciful religious traditions around. He doesn’t understand the concept of
“sacred space,” only “this is Saya’s area.” He doesn’t understand that my garden/altar is not only my
space, but a space for deity as well.
I guess I’m lucky inasmuch as he respects my personal space.
Honestly, I am having less of a problem with my husband than
with the rest of my family. I have
been a practicing pagan since I was seventeen years old. My parents thought it was a phase I
would grow out of; I don’t think either of them expected it to last into my
adulthood, let alone with the same strength and fervor. My dad thinks I’m silly, and I’m sure
that his opinion of the theatrics and drama of paganism have colored my own feelings
toward ritual. I mentioned in an
earlier post that I have trouble not feeling ridiculous when I’m spell-casting
or casting a circle. My mother
expects that one day I will become a Catholic again, like she did, although I
haven’t heard her opinion since the Church has demanded $275 to grant her
annulment and allow her to take communion. Lately, her tone has been a little bitter when she speaks
about the Church.
But returning to the marital question: what is one to do
when one feels a pull towards the Goddess (or deity) and one’s other half doesn’t? I don’t suppose there’s a lot either
one of you can do. If your spouse
cannot support your spiritual beliefs and you are unwilling to sacrifice them
for the relationship to work, I don’t see as how either one of you are
compatible. If you feel like your
spouse will mock you for being part of a religion that encourages imagination,
play-acting, and creativity, perhaps you don’t really believe what you think
you believe. Perhaps you are only trying to believe it because it is
appealing to you in some other way.
That is, maybe you like being part of a “strange” minority religion, or
you’ve been put off of a patriarchal view of deity. I understand!
You want to believe in something so badly!
If this sounds like you, here is the trick to making it work. If something about Wicca puts you off
or sounds too preposterous to put your faith in—change it! Omit it altogether, if you want! There is no such thing as the “wrong”
path. What may be wrong for you
will work for someone else.
Ultimately, it is up to each of us to search ourselves for what we truly
hold dear in the darkest, deepest parts of ourselves. Forget labels and titles. We are long past the stage where every Wiccan must be
initiated according to Gerald Gardner’s rules. Of course, there will always be purists who resent this
contamination of the original vein of Wicca and paganism. Go ahead and leave them to it—their
hang-ups have nothing to do with you.
And if you are afraid that you will never find a group that
will accept you, never fear. Any
group becomes unwieldy if it gets large enough. There are plenty of pagan groups that are willing to accept
you just the way you are. In fact,
they are looking for someone like you because you can bring something special
and unique to their group dynamic.
You could be an atheist Wiccan and still find a spot somewhere. Don’t give up looking just yet.
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